I am smack dab in the middle of a nice, big weekend. 4 1/2 days, really. We all left work at about 1:00 yesterday, and I've been trying my best to party it up, since.

After work, I came home to clean up a little bit, a few small errands, then picked up Mallory to go down to Ikea. We walked around for a while, getting more and more inspired. I was looking for a new desk, to replace the monstrosity that was my old desk. I ended up buying something fairly cheap, and small -- which is just what I was looking for. After Ikea, we got some pizza, brought it back to my place, and watched a few episodes of Lost. Always good times.

Today was pretty intense. I moved everything out of my bedroom (including furniture) and cleaned and vacuumed everything. Put together my new desk (love it!), and then moved all my furniture back in. See, my old desk was such a behemoth that it dictated the layout in the rest of my room. Having such a small desk - more like a table, really - helps so much to free up space. So, my bedroom is pretty awesome right now. I've even started to (finally) hang some artwork.

Going through my stack of frames and art was a bit of a mistake. I have about a dozen pieces of art that are still packed up and need to be framed. It makes me really want to go out and buy frames... but I'm so broke right now. I'll just have to keep it in the back of my mind, and maybe buy one frame a paycheck or something.

There's still more redecorating I'm thinking about doing. It's hard to decide right now if I'm redecorating because it will make the room better, or if it's just something for me to do. Maybe a little bit of both, yeah? Yeah.

I was very happy to hear that my apartment was volunteered for a small 4th of July party tomorrow night. The Fourth is probably my least favorite holiday. I've never done much on it, and it's never been a big deal to me. But hell, it's as good excuse as any to have a bunch of friends come over.

I'm mostly excited because this party is a huge step towards making things more "normal" between Mal and I. Things between her and me are pretty close to 100% right now, but when other friends get tossed into the mix the numbers start to drop. It will be interesting to see how it all goes down.

Mallory and I were talking about how long it's been since we last saw Joel.

"Hey Joel! Since I last saw you, Mallory and I dated, broke up, made up, and made plans to move in together."

Okay, I admit it. I love invoking reactions out of people like that.

Goodnight Moon.
Dream On.

Against my better judgment, I went ahead and tried it again.

After making the post about the weird stuff I do before bed, I wasn't really sure what was going to happen. Would it somehow alleviate everything? Would I be cured? More in an attempt to prove it to myself, I knocked on my headboard. I did this Sunday and Monday night. Sure enough, Monday and Tuesday provided a lot of random drama tension between two of my good friends... of which I'd still rather not talk about. Point being -- I still can't knock on my headboard.

Mallory and I moving in together seemed to be another big topic of discussion today. I suppose it's just gonna keep coming in waves for a while. But I don't really have anything new to say about it. I agree, there's potential for bad shit to go down. However, there's even more potential for things to be pretty awesome. Plus, we're talking five months down the line. There aren't too many friends of mine I really think I could stand to live with. I don't want to miss out on something that could be great.

Once again, I'm finding myself with a strong need to pick up some freelance work. In my head, the first step is to redesign my portfolio website. Although, I'm pretty sure that's just a self-created speed bump to postpone... change. Maybe that can be my 4th of July weekend project, since I am now too broke to buy furniture.

I had a good conversation at work today about musicals. I miss them, and I really want to catch a few of them in the coming months. I'm especially excited for A Chorus Line. And, I'd give just about anything to see Blast one more time...

Goodnight Moon.
C'est la Vie

She rose from the dead once. But I will see to it that we don't make that mistake again.

The vast majority of today was spent sitting in a pool of drool from being retardedly bored. The most exciting thing I did was move my dresser about one foot. No, seriously.

Thankfully, Mallory came to the rescue We got some frozen yogurt, and then went off to see Wanted. Meh -- bad movie. I don't think I have ever walked away from a movie I saw in the theater thinking it was "bad." There's a first time for everything. After that, we grabbed some food at In n Out, then back to my place to go through old photos of mine and chat it up a bit. Good, good times.

I've got a few exciting events planned over the next couple weekends. I'm excited about that, greatly. A Disneyland trip planned on the 11th (it's been far too long since my last visit!!), and a trip with the whole gang up to El Capitan to see Wall-E on the 12th. I am hoping to see Charrmaine on at least one of these days (maybe, potentially, possibly both days).

Next weekend is gonna be a big one, too. 4 1/2 day weekend, of sorts!! I told Mallory we can hang on the 4th, but we don't yet have solid plans. I originally wanted to buy some new furniture and change up my bedroom a little... but a new look at my finances for the next couple weeks is telling me otherwise. So, we'll see. A lot of free time, and not a lot to do. That's a bad combination for me.

Then at the end of the month of July.... Comic-Con!! Good gracious!! I've given up being worried about money for this. Last year I spent just $100 and walked away feeling very satisfied. If I gave myself any more money than that, I'd totally end up buying shit I don't need, or maybe even want. I'll be happy just picking up a few new t-shirts, and a cool toy or something. I'm gonna go hog wild on the sessions and shit -- something I've never done before.

Just gotta take it one day at a time, until then.

Goodnight Moon.
R.I.P.

I have no intention of heading to bed anytime soon. There seems to be a little too much going on in this old head of mine.

That whole "Chris is afraid of death, and can't ever seem to get it out of his head long enough to enjoy an evening with friends, and hasn't had a good night's sleep in weeks, and is a total mess because the slightest thing he does will remind him that in just a few more years (relatively speaking) he will be dead" this is going on again. So, y'know... lucky me.

I'm also having small bits of... wait, no. I don't know if I can talk about that one.

Florisarah and I have been talking on a slightly more regular basis. It's been pretty good, but I still feel like one or both us is holding back and still walking on thin ice. Not sure who the culprit is just yet. I'll say what I said last time. Things are better, and under control.

Mallory and I are still hanging out almost every night lately. Instead of the previously mentioned sushi night, we ended up going to see a movie with Tiffany and her sister Michelle. It was good to see Tiffany again, even if we didn't get a chance to talk. Perhaps it was a good thing that it was a movie, hopefully getting rid of any potential awkwardness in the air that may still be lingering.

Last night Mal and I popped in to Borders. Carrie Bobby went on a small trip with her folks, and when she got back, told me she brought me a surprise. Very surprising considering the last time we talked wasn't so friendly, but I took it as her making an effort, which is better than an apology in a lot of ways. Anyway, Mal and I went down to pick up my surprise, and hang with the old gang for a while. This was the first time I had seen both Sarah and Carrie since the breakup, and while I wasn't nervous, I really didn't know what to expect. Of course, everything went smoothly and ended with talks of a group hang out sometime over 4th of July weekend.

I don't have too many plans for my 4th of July weekend yet. A part of me is looking forward to maybe dropping off the radar for a while, and just do my own thing. I'd still very much like to put some time and money into this apartment. Start with my bedroom... and finish unpacking. A new desk, and maybe book case. Which would (surprisingly) free up more room than this huge desk I have now.

Charrmaine was planning to come down, but it turns out she can't. So I might go up and spend a day with her again. Her birthday is right around the corner, and I don't know yet what to get her.

Alex's birthday is also coming up. July 11th, aka: iPhone3G day. So, it seems like I will have to cancel on my plans to wait in line outside the Apple store (you know, just for the fun of it... we're not dorks) so that I can go to Disneyland with Alex on her birthday. That might work out for the better, so I can buy the new iPhone out of a different paycheck. Oh dear.

I just want you to know that when I say I'm fine, it's a lie.

Goodnight Moon.

When I was a kid, around the age of 10 or 11 maybe, I used to lay in bed every night and pretend I was a robot, of sorts. It was a long running gag I had with my brothers, trying to convince them I was a robot (typical kid stuff, right?), but to some extent, maybe I really wished I was.

Anyway, I'd lie in bed, pretending I was some kind of robot, with a pretend keyboard on my arm. I would relive the day's activities in my head, and "log them" in my memory banks, typing away on my arm.

I did this for a while, and the more I did it the more I needed to do it before going to bed. It became part of the process of sleep. I could climb in bed, and try to sleep, but until I logged my thoughts, I couldn't fall asleep.

I don't remember when exactly I outgrew that, but it obviously happened eventually. However, the routine of having something to do before going to sleep has always stuck with me.

Going back almost ten years ago, I couldn't go to sleep until I physically said "Goodnight" out loud. I could try, but it just wouldn't feel right until I said it. This morphed into something else when I started dating. In one of my long distance relationships, I couldn't fall asleep until I said goodnight to her specifically.

At one point, my sleeping routine consisted of a sort-of prayer. Instead of to the big guy in the sky, I would talk (again, out loud) to "my ghost," Tia. I haven't mentioned her in years now, but long story short -- I believe(ed?) I had a personal ghost. Kind of like a guardian angel, of sorts, but more just of a companion who looked out for me. I had recently made friends with a girl named Tia, she lived in Utah and we talked online. A few months into our friendship, she killed herself. Shortly after that, I noticed odd things. Therefore, I equated one with the other.

So, if I was having a particularly rough few weeks (good old fashioned high school drama) I'd ask Tia for some help. Or, perhaps, if a friend of mine was struggling, I'd ask for help on their behalf. I remember quite a few nights in which I asked Tia to help Florisarah. Sometimes in the form of clarity of judgment, or sometimes just to make something happen. To me, it seemed like Tia came through for me more times than not.

But it, too, became part of my routine that I couldn't comfortably fall asleep until I spoke with Tia. If everything was going smoothly in my life at the time, and had no reason to ask for help, I'd simply thank her for the calm.

Within the past three years my routine has changed a few times. Everything except the need to do something before sleep. Not entirely too long ago, I began knocking on wood before going to bed. I had a wooden headboard, and I was careful to knock only three times, evenly spaced apart. I did this for good luck in the coming day. For a while, I believed it worked.

However, I slowly started to notice that when I knocked for good luck, in the course of the following day something bad happened. Never anything disastrous, of course. But, just something not so good. A stubbed toe, a failed test, friends bailing on plans, car trouble... any degree of nuisance-like events. I'd blame it on the knocking. The nights in which I didn't knock, these things wouldn't happen. Somewhere along the lines, my routine became a bad thing to do.

Once I moved out, I had a new bed and a with it, a new headboard. I thought maybe if I started knocking again, things might be different... better. They weren't. So, I stopped knocking on wood altogether.

My latest routine before bed (and most OCD, by far) involved my stuffed Mickey Mouse, which I would keep on my bed. I'd more often then not, recount the day's events, and talk (out loud) about what I'd like to change and what I'd like to have happen tomorrow, but this dialog had to end with me touching Mickey. Just anywhere on the stuffed pillow. I quickly felt kind of silly about that, and tried to break myself of the habit - which proved more difficult than I expected.

With that said -- for the last six months (give or take), I have had no routine before bed. I simply crawl under the covers, put my head down and lie there until I fall asleep. That stuffed Mickey is now in another room, so that's no longer a temptation. I strongly feel the urge, every night, to knock on the headboard. Three times, evenly spaced. But it's a slippery slope... if I do it once, I might do it twice. If I do it twice, well then...

So I lie in my bed. Instead of a keyboard on my arm, I use the keyboard on my phone. While I've never made a post from my phone, I do sometimes make notes of things I'd like to talk about. Taking stock of the day's events. Logging them in my memory banks.

I need a new routine. I feel anxious laying in bed. I feel like I left the iron on, and I'm already on my flight to another state. That my routine is not complete. There is still something left to do.

The closest thing to a routine I've had is thinking about making this post. Almost every night, my head hits the pillow and I start thinking about making a post about all the routines I've had in my life. This has gone on for months. On a few rare occasions, I've actually got out of bed to make the post, and end up just writing general stuff about my day instead. But... now this post is written.

I wonder what tonight will be like.

Goodnight Moon.
I Miss You